Entry Forty Eight- My Alias

Sharing can be scary and believe it or not, I am scared of sharing. I still prefer to hide behind my “@arealmomstory” alias. Many of my social media “friends” from my personal social media accounts are unaware of my “real mom story”. In my posts I reveal my deepest thoughts and currently I am only comfortable sharing them with close family and friends and with people who may have experienced something similar. I have shared it with people I feel safe with. People who “get me”.

For example here are two posts (obviously the same image) from my social media. The photo on the left I posted on my personal social media account and the photo on the right was shared on my @arealmomstory account.

Both of these images are of my son and I. The image on the left is the image that I feel comfortable sharing with anyone and everyone. The image on the right I am more protective of. The image on the right more accurately encapsulates me. The person who I have become. The image on the left is who I still hide behind, but the image on the right is me.

I share my story through my blog with the hopes of bringing some awareness to how tough it is raising a child with special needs. I don’t feel like I am being authentic because I am still selective with who I share it with.

I still answer “fine” when people ask how things are going. Whether things are fine or not. The truth is there is always something. Some worry. Some challenge to overcome. Some appointment. Someone I need to communicate with. There is always something. There will always be something. “Fine” is the easiest answer because it still allows me to hide.

I hide behind my alias. Which is kind of funny because my alias is actually me… or I guess I should say the old me. I still have my old me covering up my new me. I have yet to consolidate the two.

If I consolidate does that mean that I am officially not me anymore? I mean the old me? That I have officially moved on and accepted this new person who I have become. This person who worries and will always worry. This person who is afraid but has to put on a brave face. This person who struggles with anxiety. This person who is constantly overwhelmed.

I don’t want to be that person. The old me could be spontaneous, could travel, was described by her friends as “mellow”. Even if it is just through social media, it is still nice to pretend to be that person.

One of these days I will consolidate. I will drop my alias and embrace who I have become. I am just not there yet.