Entry Fifty Four-Somedays I Am Just Over It

The other day was a struggle. Not anymore or any less of a struggle compared to any other day. I just felt it. And I hadn’t felt the struggle in a long time.

I was over it.

I had watched my son struggle to fall asleep the night before for over an hour. (I obviously had gone to check on him a couple of times to make sure that he was okay. We are trying to get him to fall asleep consistently on his own.) Eventually I ended up cuddling him to sleep. He woke up at 4am. We let him try to fall back to sleep on his own before ultimately giving in again.

Then of course we had to wake him up for his 7:30am medication. I always hate waking him up for his medication after he has had a bad night. He should be able to sleep in, but his medication schedule is too important. I am over not letting him sleep in.

I know… it seems like I am caving and developing bad habits. Maybe I am? Maybe he was getting a tooth? Maybe it is related to his polymicrogyria and his sleep/wake cycle? Or is that just my excuse to myself? I would say now he sleeps through the night 60-75% of the time. We have racked our brains trying to figure out the afternoon/bedtime routine that allows him to fall asleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately we haven’t discovered it yet.

I was expecting him to have a long nap that day and I was surprised when he woke after only an hour!!! Of course he didn’t fall back asleep. (Even with a cuddle.)

I am tired (literally and emotionally) of watching my son struggle to sleep.

I am over watching my son struggle to eat.

Almost every meal starts with crying, especially when we offer him a new food. I am tired of watching my son clamp his mouth shut, hold food in his mouth or spit it out. I just want him to eat! We have learned that we can’t force feed him because that doesn’t work either. Somedays I am over singing songs, listening to the baby shark song on repeat or the Frozen II soundtrack to help him relax during meals.

I am tired of stressing over what to make him for dinner. What is he going eat?… Do I try a new food that I think he will like? …. Or be “lazy” and give him something that I know he will eat easily and then maybe I can enjoy my dinner as well. Is he waking up in the night because he is hungry? Because he didn’t eat a good dinner? I don’t know.

I am over therapy. (Although I always do it.)

I am over labeling everything I see to help with speech and cognition. I am over speech and occupational therapy activities and physiotherapy exercises. I do get tired of the same flashing light toys that motivate my son to participate in his various therapeutic activities.

I am over it because my son struggles through all of it.

I am over the balancing act. I am over watching my daughter watch her brother do therapy. I am over the guilt of feeling like she is being left out.

For Oscar to grow and develop to the best of his ability, I understand that he needs to always be challenged. Most days I am good with it all. I relish with every one of his small accomplishments. But it is emotionally exhausting to watch your child struggle at almost everything they do.

I was over watching him struggle to sleep, to eat, to walk and to balance. I was over his frustration due to his inability to communicate or my inability to understand what he is trying to communicate. I was over the worry, the balance and the guilt.

That particular day, I was over it.

Photo Taken May 2021

4 thoughts on “Entry Fifty Four-Somedays I Am Just Over It

  1. Hi Mamma, I hear you.. and feel exactly what you are saying. It is exhausting to be a Mom every single day, its the world’s hardest (unpaid) job and on top it we just have it a bit more challenging.
    I think its ok to give yourself a break and give Oscar a break and do something “normal” for a change for Olivia or yourself. Do you ever get a babysitter to watch Oscar? Do you ever have a mother daughter outing? You could even show the babysitter how to do some therapy so you can catch a break and not feel too guilty. A child (and a child like ours) not sleeping and not eating gets very stressful and we do everything for them to get their rest and food. It’s okay to give him an easy meal you think he will eat when you are just done with it and need him to just eat and go to bed so you can have some quiet time to yourself.
    We literally are in the similar boat with our kiddos, feel free to reach out if you just wanna talk. Your blog helps me alot to know that I am not alone and there’s someone else in the world goin through what I am going through too.

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  2. Hi Lana, I just want to say thank you. So much of this resonated with me. My son is also a tricky eater and poor sleeper. He’s 22 months and not walking or talking yet. I follow your Instagram account and use your strategies (the sneakers for stability was a game changer!).

    I get it. Maybe not all of it. But I know the constant meal time dilemma. The exhaustion of restless nights. And the slow progress of pt/ot. We don’t have a diagnosis. We’ve had all sorts of genetic testing, mri’s, eegs…but the most important thing is- he’s here. And he’s perfect. And I’m so lucky. But some days are hard. And that’s all there is to it.

    Thank you for making me feel less alone and less crazy. ❤️

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    1. I am so happy to hear that the sneakers worked for your little guy too!
      It is sometimes hard to remember that there are other people out there going through something similar and that none of us are alone !

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  3. It’s SO hard when you’re not getting enough sleep, and worried about your LO because they’re not getting enough sleep! I’ve been there, I get it.

    Like

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