Entry Fifty Four-Somedays I Am Just Over It

The other day was a struggle. Not anymore or any less of a struggle compared to any other day. I just felt it. And I hadn’t felt the struggle in a long time.

I was over it.

I had watched my son struggle to fall asleep the night before for over an hour. (I obviously had gone to check on him a couple of times to make sure that he was okay. We are trying to get him to fall asleep consistently on his own.) Eventually I ended up cuddling him to sleep. He woke up at 4am. We let him try to fall back to sleep on his own before ultimately giving in again.

Then of course we had to wake him up for his 7:30am medication. I always hate waking him up for his medication after he has had a bad night. He should be able to sleep in, but his medication schedule is too important. I am over not letting him sleep in.

I know… it seems like I am caving and developing bad habits. Maybe I am? Maybe he was getting a tooth? Maybe it is related to his polymicrogyria and his sleep/wake cycle? Or is that just my excuse to myself? I would say now he sleeps through the night 60-75% of the time. We have racked our brains trying to figure out the afternoon/bedtime routine that allows him to fall asleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately we haven’t discovered it yet.

I was expecting him to have a long nap that day and I was surprised when he woke after only an hour!!! Of course he didn’t fall back asleep. (Even with a cuddle.)

I am tired (literally and emotionally) of watching my son struggle to sleep.

I am over watching my son struggle to eat.

Almost every meal starts with crying, especially when we offer him a new food. I am tired of watching my son clamp his mouth shut, hold food in his mouth or spit it out. I just want him to eat! We have learned that we can’t force feed him because that doesn’t work either. Somedays I am over singing songs, listening to the baby shark song on repeat or the Frozen II soundtrack to help him relax during meals.

I am tired of stressing over what to make him for dinner. What is he going eat?… Do I try a new food that I think he will like? …. Or be “lazy” and give him something that I know he will eat easily and then maybe I can enjoy my dinner as well. Is he waking up in the night because he is hungry? Because he didn’t eat a good dinner? I don’t know.

I am over therapy. (Although I always do it.)

I am over labeling everything I see to help with speech and cognition. I am over speech and occupational therapy activities and physiotherapy exercises. I do get tired of the same flashing light toys that motivate my son to participate in his various therapeutic activities.

I am over it because my son struggles through all of it.

I am over the balancing act. I am over watching my daughter watch her brother do therapy. I am over the guilt of feeling like she is being left out.

For Oscar to grow and develop to the best of his ability, I understand that he needs to always be challenged. Most days I am good with it all. I relish with every one of his small accomplishments. But it is emotionally exhausting to watch your child struggle at almost everything they do.

I was over watching him struggle to sleep, to eat, to walk and to balance. I was over his frustration due to his inability to communicate or my inability to understand what he is trying to communicate. I was over the worry, the balance and the guilt.

That particular day, I was over it.