I used to speak to my social worker weekly, then biweekly, and I now probably every other month. I still cry for varying lengths of time during every session but I do feel lighter after, like a bit of my worry is gone.
“Silence reinforces the godforsaken isolation of trauma” (Bessel Van Der Kolk)
I have found that my sessions with her will spark conversations with my husband. After all, we are going through this together. Many times I will share bits of my sessions with my parents as well. Often one conversation with my social worker turns into three conversations. Three opportunities to share my feelings. Three opportunities to break my “silence”.
I know that not everyone has the luxury of time or has the financial means to speak with a professional. I also recognize how fortunate I am to have the support network that I do and realize that many people are coping alone. So to anyone who is feeling isolated by their feelings, I suggest that you write. Everyone needs a release. Everyone needs to tell their story.
I began my blog about 9 months ago. I started by writing a letter to my daughter for her to read when she was older. I needed to release some of the mom guilt that I felt. The attention that I am able to provide my two children was (and still is) unbalanced. I needed to get that off of my chest.
Writing has become a fourth opportunity to break my “silence”.
“When you write to yourself, you don’t have to worry about other people’s judgment- you just listen to your own thoughts and let their flow take over. (Bessel Van Der Kolk)
You can write, read and reread your thoughts. Progressively your thoughts will become easier for you to bear.
In May of 2019 my nephew was celebrating his first birthday. My sister lives about an hour away. My husband had to work so I was going to drive to the birthday party alone with my kids. In past posts I have shared that I used to be TERRIFIED to drive the 5minutes to the grocery store alone with my kids. I mean a deep fear. So the thought of driving an hour seemed impossible.
I shared this fear with my social worker and she suggested that I talk about it as much as possible. She said that the more I talk about it, the less scary it will seem. I guess the idea behind her suggestion was that my irrational fear of the long drive will be at least partially replaced by more rational thoughts. And with enough repetition, I would have a reduced response to my fear. I do think that the repetitive sharing helped to lessen my fear that day.
If you can’t talk about it, write about it.
I wanted to share this journal that I found on Amazon. I just love the title, “Start Where You Are”. $21.61 found on amazon.ca.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Written by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. $15.01 found on amazon.ca